Sunday, 9 June 2013

Thinking on paper

Oh boy. Here’s a pretty personal text. I didn’t want to put it in at first but I think it’s those that really count. I’m letting off steam. I’m calibrating my own moral compass as I said when I first started writing this blog 9 months ago.

A little background story for these following lines: I was still on Don Det, on my last month. I was starting to think about the fact that my money was running out, my health was not doing so good, I was starting to miss home. I had been hanging out with this woman for the last 2 weeks and we both had an amazing time and I was starting to think again about relationships – something I mentally blocked for the last 3 years.

Due to a difference in cultures we had 2 pretty big arguments in the last few days we were together and it really pissed me off. I mean, if I can’t even stand sharing my time/life with someone else for such a short amount of time – with such little constraints as we normally have – what chance do I have to settle down with someone permanently back home?

Not that it keeps me up at night, but I already know I would be lonely if I ended up with no girl by my side, no children running around, no family later in my life.

So. Here goes a text I wrote when I was angry at said woman, trying to cool down (both emotionally and physically) under the shade of a tin roof in Laos. It starts rough but you almost see my mind fighting itself, trying to fight the negativism with bullet-proof positivity.
At one point I’m literally talking to myself.

What’s the fucking point?

What is the point of being nice to everyone, let alone just one person?
You try your best to make that one woman feel special, to make her see how unique she is to you.
You can spend minutes, days, years doing this but eventually a collection of events will make you two hate each other. To me, it seems inevitable.

I don’t believe in soul mates or life-long love so why do I even bother with relationships? I could just be fucking around. Seems simpler.
Maybe because when you share your life with someone it feels like you are building something… “Look what we made together!”

And when everything is going smooth, you’re on a fucking cloud.

So, I ask again, what’s the point of being nice if it all comes crashing down anyways.
It comes down to that day-by-day mentality I guess. When I wake up before her to bring her a fruit salad and a coconut shake it’s all about the smile she gives me and the way her eyes look at me.

The rest of the world doesn’t matter.

I’ve had a few years of being not-so-nice. Not being an asshole, just being less of a nice guy. It felt simpler.
When you’re doing favors for someone else or try to surprise them with a gift or take that little two minutes to send her a compliment by text, you’re using of your own time – your most prized possession – to make her time better.

These are the foundations of your construct.

When something happens between the two of you and the whole structure is shaking, it’s these foundations that save the day.

So, again, what’s the fucking point when you have “Everything good has an end” mentality?
Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe I get off on making people happy. It makes me happy to see you smile.
Or maybe there’s no point to it besides why not?

I’m as far as anyone can be from being religious –even atheists get on my nerves lately – but “Do not do to others what you wish would not be done to you” sounds like a good mentality. I want to take it farther though and say “treat others how you wish you would be treated”. Pretty much how I’ve been trying to live my life since as far as I can think back.

A little backtracking to the construct. As I re-read these last lines, the best way that I could picture this said construct was a sandcastle built by two people trying to withstand the waves. It is possible but when high tide comes and goes and nothing is left…

Do you rebuild? Do you quit? Do you start over, maybe with a different partner? Farther from the sea? Sure it’s easier – safer even – but it lacks the excitement, danger, chance that you may lose it all.
If your castle will be smothered in a ruinous pile of mud in a few hours, why build at all?

Because it’s fun.

And sometimes you have cool pictures afterwards.

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